Wednesday, December 19, 2012


Usually at this time of year I'm running around like the proverbial chicken with her head cut off.
This year however is different. Every year at this time I get stressed out, some of it I have to admit is self induced. I know that I put more pressure on myself than anyone else.

I haven't been given a choice this time, the new medication I'm on has found me at a level of exhaustion I didn't know there was after over 20 years of living with chronic illness.
To go from a permanent state of insomnia, to passing out  and waking up several hours later is a strange feeling and I can't remember the last time I had been in a deep enough sleep that I had remembered having a dream… Well maybe after sedation from surgery.

One thing I have learned after so many years, is I have had to figure out what my priorities are, if I am going to go out shopping I probably shouldn't do some heavy cleaning and wear myself out.

I have also learned that I would rather use what little energy I do have I'd rather use it spending time with and doing things with people that matter to me.

So this year I bought cookies because my hands were too sore, ordered everything online that I could instead of wandering around the stores for hours on end and simplified the decorating as much as possible.

Sometimes I feel guilty, not because my husband makes me feel guilty but because I feel like I should do more. Then it passes, I remember something a doctor told me years ago, he said you shouldn't feel guilty you didn't do anything to cause this disease, he said are you a criminal did you commit a crime? I said no, he said then you have nothing to feel guilty for, all you did was get an illness that you had no control over.  Each time I start to feel guilty I remember those words.

The emotion of losing my mom two months ago  is weighing on me this year as well. I'm not sure it has even really hit me yet. I always call her on  Christmas day. My family lives far from me, so that call has always been important to us.

I've kind of been going through the motions, the tree is up, my husband put up the lights, the presents are wrapped. Everything is ready. It's just waiting for the day now.

I don't want to seem all doom and gloom I'm not. I'm thankful I will have my husband home on Christmas eve this year, my son and his wonderful girlfriend and my grandchildren will be here that day as well.

There is no way you can't be happy with three little boys running around the house, I just wish I could bottle up half the energy they have and use it myself.

Lastly, I hope all of you have a holiday full of love and are with understanding caring people. My Christmas wish is that we all are pain free and find the level of support for this disease that is sorely missing.

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